Just Us Three Chikadees

Loaded Questions VI

2005-10-30T21:07:00.000-08:00

Remember to assign yourself a mysterious and non-gender specific nickname as you comment with your answers! Just don't get too attached to it as you will have to change it each time we play. Be sure to read the rest of the fine print before proceeding.

Hypotheticals:

If you could be a spokesperson for any product, which would you choose?

If you could bathe in a vat of any drink or food item, what would you choose?

Anything Goes:

What is the dirtiest word in the English language?

Fill in the blank- I would like to be known as the world's greatest ______________.

No-Brainers:

What was your favorite thing that happened yesterday?

What was your favorite book growing up?

Personals:

What do you need more of right now?

What is it about you that people find irresistable?

Loaded Questions V

2005-10-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

Remember to assign yourself a mysterious and non-gender specific nickname as you comment with your answers! Just don't get too attached to it as you will have to change it each time we play.

Hypotheticals:

If you found a $50 bill on the street and had to spend it immediately, what would you buy?

If 50 people in your age group were selected randomly, how many do you think you would find leading a happier life than yours?

Anything goes:

How many times do you normally hit the snooze button, after your alarm goes off?

Approximately, how many books have you read in the past year?

No-Brainers:

What is the most disturbing sound in the world?

What is the most exotic food you have ever eaten?

Personals:

What hidden talent do you have that most people don't know about?

What will you be doing 10 years from today?

Loaded Questions IV

2005-09-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

Remember to assign yourself a mysterious and non-gender specific nickname as you comment with your answers! Just don't get too attached to it as you will have to change it each time we play.

Hypotheticals:

If nobody was watching, what would you do?

If you could have a view of anything from your bedroom, what would you choose?

Anything goes:

Where do you most like to be kissed?

What fictional character would you like to sleep with?

No-Brainers:

What is the nicest thing you have ever bought somebody?

What is your favorite kind of cereal?

Personals:

What do you bring most to a friendship?

What is the most common compliment people give to you?

Loaded Questions III

2005-09-06T14:58:00.000-07:00

Remember to assign yourself a mysterious and non-gender specific nickname as you comment with your answers! Just don't get too attached to it as you will have to change it each time we play.

Hypotheticals:

If you were to treat yourself to the 'finer things in life', what would you treat yourself to?

If you could change one thing about the way you look, what would you change?

Anything goes:

What would you title your autobiography?

What three adjectives describe the ideal kiss?

No-Brainers:

What do you consider to be the biggest turnoff?

What do you consider the worst household chore?

Personals:

What song reminds you most of a past or present relationship?

What's the best advice you've ever received?

Loaded Questions Round II

2005-08-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

Remember to assign yourself a mysterious and non-gender specific nickname as you comment with your answers! Just don't get too attached to it as you will have to change it each time we play.

Hypotheticals:

If you were sitting at a round table of 3 famous writers, artists and/or musicians, past or present, who would be joining you?

If Satan lived on Earth, what would his friends and enemies know him by?

Anything Goes:

What should every man and woman be able to try once in their life?

What three adjectives describe you the best?

No-Brainers:

What is your favorite movie line?

What is your favorite part of the human body?

Personals:

What word do you consistently misspell?

When was the most embarrassing moment of your life?

Loaded Questions

2005-08-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

Remember to assign yourself a mysterious and non-gender specific nickname as you comment with your answers! Just don't get too attached to it as you will have to change it each time we play.

Hypotheticals: If you could possess one super power, what would it be?

Anything Goes: Fill in the blank- I am so much smarter than _____________.

No-Brainers: What is the greatest conflict between the genders?

Personals: How many inches would you increase your, um, height by?

Will the real lu please stand up?

2005-02-17T12:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry I have been so distant. It's not you, it's me. I have never liked good-bye's and we all know that breaking up is hard to do, but I really feel it's time to abandon my fabulous double life. I'm juggling to make a circus clown proud and I have decided I've got one too many balls up in the air. Seems two blogs are not better than one. Most of you still know where you can find me, so drop by when you can and show me the love.

yours,
lu

Dirty Secrets

2005-01-21T13:45:00.000-08:00

I'm trying something new here.

Every Friday I will provide, free of charge, an outlet for you to dump your trash here....you know, anything over the course of the week that made you feel ashamed of yourself, guilty, disgusting, pathetic...you get the idea. This way, you are able to clean house, clear your conscience and at the same time I'm able to feel better about myself when I realize that I am in fact a better person than you are. Feel free to post anon, if you must, but be assured that I will most likely know who you are anyway because that is just one of my many secret super powers. I'll go first:

*I ate a big, juicy, greasy piece of fried chicken for lunch and washed it down with the new Entenmann's Milk Chocolatey donut.

*I dressed extra cute today and wore lipstick because I knew I would see my kid's P.E. teacher today...I just wanna know why I never had a P.E. teacher that looked like this guy. He's really, really tall, longish, wavy hair, nice, ahem, body, very, very young (yeah, I know to young for me anyhow), shy eyes, and has the most wicked, sweet, sexy smile that I have ever seen.

*I blogged when I shoulda been studying

*Someone asked how old I was, "late twenties, right?" Without missing a beat, I said, "Wow, you're good!"

Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to be reading Coleridge right now. Time to redeem myself.

Priceless

2005-01-02T17:58:00.000-08:00

What are the things that you cannot live without? What means the world to you? What makes you feel alive? You wouldn't trade *insert your response here*

Things money *can* buy you and are worth every last penny:

*Snuggly soft flannel sheets
*That one favorite mug that you want to wrap both hands around and sip your hot tea from
*Big, fluffy bath *sheets*.... a towel is just.not.the.same
*Parchment paper for baking and for roasting veggies
*Expensive chocolate
*Gourmet popcorn and a hot air popper
*Yummy, crusty bread--I like rosemary, olive oil and garlic
*Homemade pizza dough
*Body scrubs that smell good enough to eat
*Ditto with candles...Bath & Body works has a mint chocolate chip candle that is to die for
*400 plus thread count sheets to dress your bed in when it's time to pack away the beloved flannel
*Linen Water
*A beautiful journal
*Good music
*Books that move you
*A perfect lipstick shade
*A deluxe pedicure with a paraffin dip
*Sexy underwear
*Black and white photo's of your favorite people, places, adventures, captured candids
*A favorite pair of jeans
*A vacation

Things money *can't* buy or wonderfully free, free, free stuff:

*True, heartbreaking, tender, sweet love
*A breathtaking view of the mountains, the ocean, the skyline, etc
*A quiet, get lost in your thoughts, foggy morning on the beach
*Your childs arms wrapped around your neck, whispering, i love you, mommy
*Waking next to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with
*Falling hopelessly, head over heels in love
*Watching your children sleep
*Seeing the world through your children's eyes
*Getting so lost, so caught up in a good read
*There is no other joy in this world than that of the first time you hear your baby's cry
*Nothing like the smell of a baby's sweet head
*Cuddles, snuggles, hugs, kisses...
*Friendship
*Laughter, silliness, smiles,
*Inside jokes
*A mutually shared, longing look from across the room
*A hike in the mountains
*A film that makes you laugh out loud, brings you to tears, changes your mind...
*That old book smell
*Love letters
*Poetry
*Dancing
*The way your heart beats faster when he/she walks into the room
*Your baby's tiny hand resting on your breast, looking up into your eyes while she nurses
*Inspiration
*A walk in the rain
*The smell of a campfire
*Your baby's first wobbly steps, first "real" smile, first laugh
*Tears of joy
*A heartbreaking goodbye
*That lump you get in your throat before telling someone that you love them
*Compassion, understanding, empathy, tenderness, sensitivity, sympathy....
*Holding hands
*Sunshine warming your skin
*Running through a sprinkler
*Seeing a rainbow
*A wish come true
*Dreams

But, everyone else is doin it....

2004-12-31T14:45:00.000-08:00

If everyone else in blog land was jumping off a bridge, would you? To borrow a quote from my 4 yr old from earlier this year:

"I would if I had a floaty"

Alrighty, then....let me try and squeeze into J's flotation device with the Cookie Monster head and off we go with my rendition of the meme:

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?

Let go of my old dreams and made room for some new ones

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I vowed to live a happy, healthier life and so far I like the results....I think I'll press forward with that same resolution in 2005

3. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?

A crystal ball

4. What dates from 2004 will remain etched in your memory, and why?

November 7th....the day my estranged husband humbled himself to me for the first time since we met seven years ago and put the ball in my court

5. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Embracing life as a strong, sexy, smart, funny single mother...returning to college after a 15 year hiatus--chasing my own dreams instead of living someone elses

6. What was your biggest failure?

Some would argue my inability to let go of my hopeless romanticism...my belief in a fairy tale ending

7. What was the best thing you bought?

My very own bed and the scrumptious flannel sheets to go with...oh, and it was a gift, but I puffy heart my KitchenAid mixer

8. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My wise beyond her years 12 year old daughter.

9. Whose behavior made you apalled and depressed?

Estranged husband's family in response to our separation--my own snarkiness embarrasses me, and my inability to keep my big mouth shut...I have been guilty of sharing TMI more times than I care to remember

10. Where did most of your money go?

My little chicklets and therapy....lots of therapy.

11. What song will always remind you of 2004?

Coldplay's The Scientist

12. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder--melancholy, yet hopeful

b) thinner or fatter-- same

c) richer or poorer-- richer

13. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Read, Forgive, Laugh, Play, Snuggle

14. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Introspection...yeah, I can see I'm ready to leave all that behind me-- Judge, Cry, Be Jealous

15. How will you be spending Christmas?

I cannot even imagine

16. Did you fall in love in 2004?

Yep, with this girl I have known all my life but never really *saw* her until this year

17. How many one-night stands?

Zippity-doo-dah. I need romance

18. What was your favorite TV program?

Six Feet Under

19. What was the best book you read?

Shiela Ellison's The Courage to Be a Single Mother

20. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The cd that saw the most play time was Coldplay's A Rush Of Blood To The Head, but I listened to the soundtrack from Amelie a whole bunch too....Discvery wise...didn't know Rilo Kiley before a month or so ago and the biggest surprise has gotta be Maroon 5

21. What did you want and get?

A fresh start

22. What did you want and not get?

Closure

23. What was your favorite film of this year?

Amelie, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, Before Sunrise,

24. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I honestly don't remember. I turned 36.

25. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A big, fat eraser capable of granting an infinity of do overs

26. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?

Huh? If you are asking me what my everyday uniform is, it goes something like this:

Jeans, layered t-shirt, Converse and most likely sportin pigtails as a result of consistently bad hair days and my denial that I'm no longer in San Francisco but instead a 36 year old mother of two livin in the midwest

27. What kept you sane?

Fiercely holding fast to my sense of humor...a circle of funny, loving, and supportive friends

28. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy most?

Well, admittedly I have someone here in blog land that I describe as my blog crush...it's all very jr high...other than that, it's just weird that my 12 yr old and I find Johnny Depp hot. He's just one of those guys who got waaayyy better with age. YUM!

29. Who did you miss?

My girl, Jenny (never far from my heart), Steph (never fails to inspire me), Gwen (you just rock!), Maria (it's not fair that I will have to wait so long to meet your new baby boy...), and well, as much as it pains me to admit it, my husband.

30. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.

Well, this is one that's still being drummed into my melon: Never say never-- It's probably never a good idea to burn bridges, To assume makes an ass out of u and me, When you have a big enough mouth, it is indeed possible to put your foot in your mouth and eat your words at the same time.

31. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Time rolls on/And dreams they die/And I've thrown out the pictures I had of you and i/And if you're ever wondering if love can be true/Well, think of me and remember darling like i, like i do/ Ole friendships fade away, love falls apart/ And you've not spent a single day outside my heart/

If you think that I don't love you, you're just wrong/And that don't matter now anyway

-Jude

I really,really, really, love my daughter...

2004-12-28T19:54:00.000-08:00

As is evident by....wait, are you sitting down? Are you ready for this? Guess where I'm going to be on March 5th? I'm taking K to the Ashlee Simpson concert in Chicago. Woo-freakin-Hoo!!

Her stepdad bought the tickets and made reservations for us at a four star hotel (thank you very much--I'm gonna need all the amenities I can get for doing this one) as K's Christmas gift. She's so excited. I wonder if Nexium makes a t-shirt? I would soooo wear it to the concert. Maybe I could get one made. Something to the effect of Nexium knocks out acid reflux, what do you think?

Needless to say, he's scored big points with K but she's not quite the pushover that I am. It will take more than a well chosen gift to win her back. We spent Christmas day together and it was a very nice, peaceful way to spend the holiday. There was lots of laughter and it felt really good for all of us to be together. K commented that things weren't as awkward, didn't feel as weird as she thought they might. Of course, J was thrilled to have all of us together and her big, happy smiles were the best part of Christmas.

I am allowing myself to be at least a little optimistic about the future but for now, I'm happy to take things very slowly....one day at a time. S and I may or may not reconcile but I am filled with such peace with the resolution to forgive and to embrace the love we share for our children. My hope is that this will make it possible to honor and respect one another in a way that will allow us to continue to be the best parents we can be to the girls.

The view from down here....

2004-12-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

It's official...I have indeed fallen off the face of the earth. I have not had the chance to even glimpse at my favorite blogs much less post a line or two here on my neglected blog in close to two weeks now. I'm gonna have a lot of catching up to do!

I really can't hang out right now. Between Christmas programs, parties, crafting, shopping, and baking, getting tangled up (thorns and all) with the mystery rose sender, and whipping out two eight page papers, and studying for three finals, I am barely staying afloat. Which brings me to a question....how *do* you hardcore bloggers do it? You obviously have a life because I have been fortunate enough to read about your fabulous life...what is the secret to your devotion/discipline? Many of you have children, significant others, real life honest to goodness money making jobs, are voracious readers, go on dates, run a household, etc. etc. and yet you make it all look so effortless. Do tell!

One more final tomorrow morning and then I'm free, free, I tell you!

Until then, I love and miss you all terribly.

Good Tom, Bad Tom

2004-12-03T13:36:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, Thanksgiving has come and gone but I'm just now getting around to spilling the details of how the girls and I shared our first holiday sans a daddy. We skipped the official Thanksgiving holiday and opted to eat out at one of the only restaurants that was open followed by going to see The Polar Express. I loved it and it even kept the attention of my four year old (without the usual bribes of lots of chocolate and way too much soda) who almost always asks to ditch a movie less than half way through. My twelve year old pretended to think it was lame but I could so totally tell that she secretly loved it as well.

Afterwards, we came home late that night and put up our Christmas tree. Sometimes I don't recognize this new me....this calm, serene, go with the flow me. I unwrapped each ornament, each one with a story, and let the girls decorate the tree all on their own. In the past I would have felt the need to direct, to make suggestions as to how everything should be placed on the branches, to have a "picture perfect" holiday centerpiece. Turns out that I didn't need to orchestrate after all, the tree is gorgeous!

On Friday, we invited the girl's Aunties over and we feasted on turkey, roasted veggies, smashed potatoes, and the best apple pie I have ever baked. While in the midst of dinner, our door bell rang and I was met with a gigantious, gorgeous bouquet of two dozen long stemmed red roses. Seems someone out there is thankful for me. No, you can't read the card! I didn't let my dinner guests and I'm just superstitious enough not to want to jinx anything by making predictions right now....it's just too soon to tell. Still reeling and weak in the knees from the totally unexpected delivery of such a gift, we headed out to see K perform in the stage production of A Christmas Story. The play was awesome and I loved seeing my little one's eyes light up when magical snow began to fall inside the theatre.

Later, after my chicklets were tucked snuggly in their beds, I watched The Terminal. It really didn't rock my world, but I didn't hate it either. I guess I like me some computer generated Tom Hanks over a strangely accented Tom Hanks stumbling all over Catherine Zeta Jones.

Happy belated Thanksgiving! I'm a girl who has lots to be thankful for, not the least being the wonderful circle of friends I have and the writers out in blog land who inspire me, make me laugh, and are keepin it real. Rock on!

Stuff that made me smile....

2004-11-18T13:03:00.000-08:00

*During the journey from school to home, my two girls in unison no less, "what's for dinner?" followed by the collective "EWWW!" I'm telling you these girls are talented.

*From a girl who sits behind me in Lit class, "Is that your real hair color? Cuz if it is, I am sooo jealous. I have always meant to tell you that I think it's really beautiful" It does a girl good to get a compliment now and again.

*From my four year old, just one of those out of the blue, for no apparent reason comments, "Mommy, I love our family"

*My god-how-did-I-get-so-lucky friend who chiseled out a couple of hours to talk with me long distance on how to revise my sorry ass paper for Lit class....I adore you!

*A long forgotten bag of caramels discovered in the back of the pantry

*My hilarious as she is wise 12 yr old who makes me laugh so hard I cry

*My discovery that flour tortillas, a can of vegetarian refried beans, some mild enchilada sauce and some shredded white cheddar make for a cheap and easy meal.

*Gas prices *were* down by almost .30 from the previous week

*Opening night of K's play. She was perfect!! She worked long and hard for the past three months and it really payed off.

Dear Mom.....

2004-11-10T07:20:00.000-08:00

Inspired by Philip's suggestion , I remembered a particularly touching letter I received from my ten year old daughter two years ago:

Mom,

thank you so much for always being there for me .... even when you where trying to work out your problems. some mothers would just sit there feeling sorry for them and them alone ... but no you are constantly taking care of me and j even in some of the hardest times in your life .

like ive told you and will continue telling you your a strong person even if you feel like some thirtyfour year old struggiling and juggiling two kids around. things arent always going to be perfect no matter what happens in your life. i mean think about it even in movies people who seem to have perfect lives in the beginning can end in the worst life ever. its sort of like planning to do somthing and it rains. you imagine it perfect but it turns out it just dosent work. life constantly gives you something new and exiting but sometimes you have too much stuff in your hands its just stressfull . im not a mother and surtanly not an audult but this i know for sure it takes a lot of work to be a good mother ...and you are one...even if you do stress out somtimes j isint old enough to under stand but i am old enough to under stand that every mom yelles even if its not very often they sure do yell and i'll tell you what with every thing you have in your life i would be yelling so much my tonsils would have to be taken out. belive me when i say your the best mom on the planet and i really apreciate being your freaky annoying little kid and so does j. she told me so in baby languige. see i can even spell how she told me behegbhgbgjwwwwrhgur see:) just kidding but she is happy. xoxo k

ps e-mail me back even if we do live in the same house:)

How did I get so lucky?

Saved! and Sunk....

2004-11-06T13:50:00.000-08:00

Another installment of the Best & Worst of this week:

*My philosophy professor reacting to the absurdity of our university's policy to test the fire alarm, without any sort of drill mind you, on the first day of each month:

Ahhhh...there it is. Our cue to practice burning to death. Arsonist everywhere, rejoice.

*A student arguing that "gay television, shows like Will & Grace and Queer Eye, should be banned from television since impressionable children watch it and think, "hey, maybe that's an option for me." These television shows are teaching kids that it's ok to be gay." Alrighty then.

*My biology professor in the process of explaning natural selection and sexual selection:

"The females in a species are very discriminatory. Eggs are very expensive to make. They are the gate keepers referring to a long list of criteria, and ultimately, dictate whether mating will occur. Whereas, the males in a given species are a lot less choosy. Sperm is cheap to produce. The male will pretty much mate with anything....members of their same species or not. Telephone pole, mailbox....after all, they don't want to pass up an opportunity.

*What's the difference between a single woman and a married woman?

The single woman comes home, looks in the fridge and goes to bed. The married woman comes home, looks at what's in the bed and goes to the fridge.

*I thought the redness, bumps and genital irritation were from shaving. But now I'm not so sure. What else could it be? A pop up ad on my computer.....hmmm...what have I been doing to indicate that this particular item would be of interest to me?

*If you haven't seen it yet, see, Saved!

*If you have seen, Swimming Pool, I'm so sorry.

A Case Of The Gimmee's....

2004-11-06T08:50:00.000-08:00

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need- Rolling Stones

My J is a proud supporter of consumerism. It's more of a religion for her, really. Yesterday during a necessary stop at Marshall's, she once again exercised her right to buy or rather, to pout, cry, plead, and annoy all those around her.

"Mommy, I want these bath toys."

"J, we already talked about this. I am not buying *any* toys today. We are here to look for snow boots and pants for sis."

"I never get anything."

"I know, you poor thing. J, you have those same bath toys at home."

"I don't have this orange dinosaur." Points out one of eight squirtie toys in the plastic packaging.

"We are not buying any toys. Let's go pay for these cool, pink snow boots."

Crying, (without tears), moaning, groaning, grudgingly following ten paces behind me.

"Mommy, you know what? I hate you." (Ah, the joys of preschool).

"J, you know what? I love you forever and forever."

We arrive at the register to be second in line to a woman who's giving me the same kind of look I used to give to people before I had children. I think about muttering the age old excuse of, "Oh, she's just really tired. We just came straight here from preschool." Instead, I opt for:

"J, we cannot buy something new each time we visit the store. See, mommy is buying you snow boots and sis is getting a new pair of pants. I'm not buying anything for myself today."

J scoffs, wrinkles her nose and brows, and gives a hmmmpph.

"What if I acted like this...Oh, look at that scrap of paper on the ground, I think I need that. Yep. Gotta have that. I think I'll buy it. OH, and would you look at that ball of gum that somebody spit out....that looks like perfectly good gum. I'll buy that too. Hmmm...what else do I need? I just gotta have that dust ball...yeah, that one, right there! (I shop at a particularly dirty Marshalls). Starting now, we are going to play a new game everytime we go shopping. It's called the I'm not gonna ask for everything I see and beg for it even if I don't need it game. If you say "I want this" or "Can we buy that" you *lose*. Ready, go!"

J is cracking up by now and the Oh-My-God-My-Kid-Will-Never-Act-Like-That lady is tsk tsking me for not handling the situation in a way that she would have deemed appropriate. Heres to hoping I run into her again in the future with her hell on wheels four year old in tow.

A letter to my daughters....

2004-10-31T20:51:00.000-08:00

It's true. One of these days I'm not gonna be around these parts anymore and my hope is that I will leave my daughters to remember me with lots of silliness, sweetness, giggles, smiles and very, very few tears.

Remember how wonderful it is to be wrapped in a big, fluffy towel just warm from the dryer each time you step out of the bath. Bake cookies with your little ones and let them measure, spill, stir, drop, pour, lick, roll and cut, decorate. I'm thrilled that you are both voracious readers and I'm sure you will snuggle up every chance you get and share the same bedtime stories with your someone special. Continue our ritual of visiting the library once a week to dig for buried treasure and never lose that excitement that comes with hauling home a bundle of new books to read, not knowing how to choose which one to start first. Tuck little love notes in the lunch boxes.

Don't forget to be silly and belly laugh every chance you get. K, remember when we used to replace words in books with potty words instead? "Goldilocks tasted the mama's porridge and said, "this porridge is too much like diarrhea."

Relish the comfort of sipping hot cocoa (from scratch with milk! never, never, use a mix and add water) and nibbling on sugar cookies while watching every claymation Christmas movie ever created back to back.

Remember to make each one of your children feel special. K, remember when we played hooky from school and had a girls day out....checked into a lodge, swam in the pool, had lunch and went to a movie? J has had lots of mommy and me time with trips to the zoo, movie dates, picnics in the park, perusing the toy store just because.

May you find yourself every Christmas morning enveloped with the smell of cinnamon rolls baking while you open your gifts followed by a breakfast feast with the works. Be the cool mom that hosts slumber parties where everyone is allowed to eat as much junk food as they can stomach and stay up all night. Save every love letter you ever receive. Write down the funny things your children say and the lessons that they teach you.

Share all the things you love, it only makes them better. Ice skating, driving cross country , camping, hiking, annual trips to the pumpkin and apple farm, homemade mac n cheese, snow, early morning walks while the world is still asleep, splashing in puddles with your yellow rainboots, collecting leaves and acorns, fingerpainting, and celebrating all the holiday traditions old and new.

Keep a journal! Save the art work. Bring flowers to every performance and recital and tell them how proud you are. Tell them you love them every single day. Tell them the story about the day they were born. Frame their school picture. Have pictures taken of you with your children.

Remember all our adventures in San Francsico, our days spent in Golden Gate Park, our trip to Yosemite, our visits to the mountains , hanging out at the beaches and playing near the ocean, dressing up and attending the Nutcracker Ballet, those chicken wings and sparkling cider in plastic champagne flutes on New Years Eve, and our goofy matching fleece Christmas pj's.

Never, ever forget that you were the love of my life.

Public Apology

2004-10-17T11:51:00.000-07:00

I stand corrected. K's response to who is Fleetwood Mac was in fact, "I thought Fleetwood Mac was country." Not "a country". Oops, my bad. It's still kinda funny.

The Best Of: what I heard this week

2004-10-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

* After using our emergency stash of baby wipes to clean our hands post pumpkin hunting, from J, "Oh, great, my hands smell like wipe."

* In an effort to educate K about "classic rock", we have been playing a quiz game while listening to the radio in the car. I'll ask her if she recognizes a band that I have previously pointed out to her. From K, "I thought Fleetwood Mac was a country."

* While debating whether or not drugs should be legalized in the U.S., a student , "No, because people would spend too much money buying them" Huh?

* During a discussion of Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, when asked if Beatrice's request of Benedict to murder his best friend was far fetched or if that sort of thing still occurs today, (not literally asking your lover to kill his best friend) but instead, do women attempt to monopolize all of the man's time, an ever eloquent 19 year old boy responded, "This sort of goes with a saying that me and my friends have....Bro's before Ho's." Nice.

* A radio DJ introducing a song by Evanescence, "Amy Lee [the lead singer] raising the bar of fashion by putting together outfits with Hefty bags and electrical tape"

* My K playing the role of mean mommy (saving me from having to do it) in response to J's whining while in the line to purchase our Halloween booty,

K: "If you don't stop whining, you don't get to carve pumpkins"

J: "I don't care"

K: "OK, fine, you can just sit there and watch me and mommy carve our pumpkins"

* My four year old singing along to Ciaria's song Goodies, "seeexxxxyyy!" Uh, this is why it's not a great idea to let your pre-K child listen to rap music.

Books I adore....

2004-09-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

In order to make it on the favorite book list, it has to be something that you have or plan to read more than once....

*From my childhood...the Nancy Drew mysteries, the Little House books, anything by Beverly Cleary, especially Sister of The Bride...

*Annie Dillard's The Writing Life

*A Book of Love Poetry, Stallworthy

*Love Poems by Women, Mulford

*Kate Chopin's The Awakening

*E.E. Cummings Selected Poems, Kennedy

*Donna Tartt's Secret History

* Jean Hegland's Into The Forest

* The Bean Trees, Small Wonder-Barbara Kingsolver

* Amy Tan's The Opposite of Fate

* Sue Monk Kidd's The Secret Life of Bees

* Operating Instructions: A Journal of my Son's First Year, Rosie, Bird by Bird- Anne Lamott

* The Courage to Be a Single Mother by Sheila Ellison

* Memoirs of A Geisha by Arthur Golden

* Favorite cookbooks:
-The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook, Barefoot Contessa Family Style, Ina Garten
-The Best Recipe, Cook's Illustrated Magazine (Thank you minime!!)

* Favorite Books from my how to make a happy home library:
-from a house to a home, Jemima Mills
-the Shabby Chic home, Rachel Ashwell
-Home Comforts, Cheryl Mendelson

There's so many more...I'll add them as I think of them.

A second list of children's books that adorn my little one's shelf:
*The Big Big Sea, Martin Waddell

*Tea For Ten, Lena Anderson

*Just Like You, Jan Fearnley

*In November, Cynthia Rylant

*My Visit To The Zoo, Aliki

*The Water Hole, Graeme Base

*Dusty Locks And The Three Bears, Susan Lowell

*Bunny Day and So Many Bunnies, Rick Walton

*Alphabeasts, Wallace Edwards

*Love You Forever, Robert Munsch

*Go, Dog. Go!, P.D. Eastman

*Toot & Puddle trilogy by Holly Hobbie

*Christmas In The Country, Cynthia Rylant & Diane Goode

*I'll Be Home For Christmas, Holly Hobbie

*A Little House Christmas, Holiday Stories from the Little House Books, Laura Ingalls Wilder

A List of Things I'm Supposed to Be Doing rather than blogging...

2004-09-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

*Researching a topic for an argument for my Critical Thinking Class

*Reading Jane Eyre

*Reading Shakespeare's Twelfth Night

*Studying a chapter on Genetics

*Cleaning out my garage

*Packing up this week's outgoing ebay sells

*Composing my thoughts for Tuesday's therapy session

*Reading Women Who Run With The Wolves as requested by therapist....Oh, please!!

*Putting together some sort of menu plan for next week

*Make some invites for K's upcoming slumber party..My baby is turning 12!!!

I did do the laundry, respond to all my emails (ebay and otherwise), pay some bills, clean the bathroom, paint my toes, vacuum, brew some iced tea, take a ten minute nap, and read one chapter for my Critical Thinking class--ironically about the art of procrastination via rationalization, suppression and denial.

Things I wanted to be when I grew up.....

2004-09-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

Onward to list two!

1. While other four and five year old girls were dreaming of floating across a stage as a ballerina or assuming their role as someone's long lost Princess, I had aspirations to be a "cash register lady". Yes, I wanted more than anything to follow in the footsteps of my Grandmother who worked downtown at the five and dime clicking away at the musical register. CHECK! I did have a two year old stint as a cashier at a fun little shop nestled in San Francisco's Noe Valley. I didn't have the chi-ching of the register I fancied but instead a computer keyboard...oh,well.

2. Between the ages of six and nine while visiting my Aunt May for several years in a nursing home, I vowed that I would someday get a job there making life better for all the old and lonely people. I felt so bad that some of them had no visitors...ever. CHECK! My first job out of High School was a three year adventure working in the dietary department of the local hospital. I was responsible for preparing and delivering meals to diabetic patients, one of which proposed marriage to me (who says hair nets aren't sexy?!) and I was able to become very close with a lot of the elderly patients.

3. From 10 and onward I held fiercely to the desire to be a teacher. No CHECK! yet....but I'm working on it. My sister and I spent many a hour playing school where she was the unlucky recipient of my lesson plans and unforgiving grading system.

4. Around the age 13, I was sure I was destined to be a Solid Gold Dancer. I faithfully tuned in every week and practiced all the moves along with my spandex clad idols. Not quite a CHECK! although I did have many an audience at our local roller rink when I would hop up on those round dealies that everyone sat on to put on/take off skates and perform my latest routine.

5. Jr High found me toying with the idea of being a librarian. Another CHECK! that I'm still working on....I see a MLS in my near future. As a painfully shy seventh-eigth grader, our public school's librarian took me under her wing and I acted as her first assistant. Those were the days of the actual hands on card catalog. No computers in our school yet. I adore books and fancy myself as the mysterious (aka, very sexy) librarian who lets her hair down with the equally brooding, mysterious intellectual man who becomes a suspiciously active patron of the library I service.

6. High School found me surrounded by my kindred spirits, the drama geeks/freaks. I was sure I had met my fate...I was to be an actress! CHECK! And then some! I can't tell you how many Academy Award worthy performances I have pulled off in my lifetime. The pinnacle of my career being the role I just finished where I convinced an entire community that I was happily married to a man who in his own right has managed to successfully create the illusion that he is a faithful, devoted, loving husband and father, honest and true friend, honorable son and brother, and a morally/ethically sound physician. Big Fat CHECK!

7. After talking some sense into myself and realizing I probably wasn't gonna find my big break as an actress while living in Arkansas, (even against the best efforts of my P.E. coach/history teacher that I could...look at Mary Steinburgen!) I turned to my fantasy of being an interior decorator. I had been creating wonderful furnishings for my Barbie's for years out of mere tissue boxes and empty band-aid boxes. CHECK! Although I have had no formal training, I have furnished and decorated a total of ten different homes and counting.

8. After marrying at 20 yrs old, I used my job as featured writer for my High School newspaper to inspire me to pursue a degree in Journalism. That lasted all of about five minutes when I realized that as a journalist I wasn't going to be writing about what *I* wanted to write about, but instead what I was assigned to write about. I shifted towards free-lance writing. Yeah, I would be a writer. We moved out of our apartment and rented a small house with an extra bedroom where I set myself up with a desk, a TYPEWRITER!, various muses, the latest edition of Writer's Market and lots and lots of lofty ideas. I also enrolled in a creative writing course where I realized I sucked at writing fiction and that coupled with the right number of rejection letters from various magazines I attempted to get published in promptly ended my dream life of a writer. Well, I do still have my blog and I do still write really awful poetry. I admit that I have the fantasy of being the next Emily Dickinson...someday when I'm long gone, someone will discover the dusty volumes of poetry from underneath my bed and I'll be revered evermore...."what a shame she isn't here to discuss these masterpieces with us"--

And now for some things that I never dreamed I'd be:

* A long and yucky depression led me to drop out of college and take a job as a bookkeeper. Fabulous answer to depression! After three years, I was promoted to office manager and continued on for another two years before having my first child. I didn't think I was cut out for the role of SAHM and so I took a part time job as a hostess in a restaurant. The hours were super flexible but it didn't take me long to figure out that the real money was in the tips that the servers were making. Thus began a long career in waitressing. Two years at a Mexican restaurant, followed by a one year job as a restaurant manager/dining room coordinator, finishing up with another two year's of waiting tables at Ruby Tuesday's. You are not allowed to dine in a restaurant until you have waited tables. End of discussion.

* I went to work for my husband's family business as a Photographer's Assistant. Lots of hoosier weddings and too much Fried Chicken or Roast Beef. I decided I'd be more suited in the position of production....away from the public. Cropping negatives, cutting prints, assembling albums and portfolios, *more* bookkeeping, lots of appointment making and booking of weddings. I finally graduated to Studio Manager and I loved my job. That's about the time I met Prince Charming (NOT!) and he socked a big fat diamond on my finger and whisked me away to San Fran.

* Finally, now. I never dreamed I'd be a single mama of two, a 36 year old college student, a feminist (that's a big leap from my southern girl roots but I'm pretty darn sure there's no white knight in shining armour out there...shoot I'm not even sure there's an ounce of chivalry left--ok, that's another post) , saving up to buy my own home, and in short, planning a future that even without a man by my side has me filled with hope and excitement.

Lists, lists and more lists ...

2004-09-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

I love lists. I'm talking everything from your basic grocery to what I want in a man and then everything in between list. Lists give me the illusion that I am organized and at the same time allow me to procrastinate even more by spending all my energy compiling perfect lists instead of actually getting anything done. I wish I could discipline myself enough to journal or even to steal more time to blog, instead I keep little scraps of paper, backs of napkins and envelopes, pocket calendars, wall calendars, appointment calendars that hold all the snippets of my day to day life. All of them lists of some sort. So begins the first installment of Lust for Lists....

In the spirit of one of my favorite movies, High Fidelity, let's list our favorite, life-defining songs. OK, the songs don't have to be life defining, but you at least have to get a pang of excitement when they cross your radio dial in the car. Please be advised that these are in no particluar order unless otherwise noted and that I would never be able to complete this list...I'm sure I'll remember other songs along the way and add them accordingly.

1. Gotta be Magic Man by Heart. This is the first song I remember knowing all the words to and belting it out in the back of one of the many piece of crap cars my mom owned, this particular one she named Betsy, while struggling as a single mom. She somehow thought by naming the car it would bond with us and not fall apart before she could scratch up enough cash to buy the next one. I had no idea at the age of eight what Magic Man was about, but I thought it was pretty cool nonetheless.

2. When Saturday Night Fever was all the rage... You Should Be Dancing - Bee Gees..this was the song I first danced with a boy to. Not any boy mind you, Mike Lambert, the first love of my life, and not any dance either....we practiced our routine for weeks and ultimately won first prize in the youth center's dance contest. 1977, baybee! We looked so cute in our outfits and our matching feathered bangs.

3. Beth by Kiss. Again somewhere around 77. I had a very short-lived fling with Mike Lambert's best friend, Robert, while he and I were taking a break. Mike wanted to french kiss in Robert's basement and I was having none of it. Robert was just so happy to have a girlfriend that he was willing to look over my lack of enthusiasm in having a boy's tongue shoved down my throat. That was the year that Robert and the rest of his buddies (as well as every other 5th grade boy we knew) dressed up like the members of Kiss for Halloween.

4. 77'-78' ah, days of Disco, and Donna Summer was the Queen of Disco. I Feel Love, Last Dance, etc.

5. If you have babies, songs that will make you cry:
*Little Star by Madonna
*How You've Grown by 10,000 Maniacs

6. Some of my favorite break-up songs:
*I Will Survive ( of course)!
* Already Gone, The Eagles..."and you'll have to eat your lunch all by yourself."
* Someone Saved My Life Tonight Elton John
*It's My Life Talk Talk ...this one I just remember going out to a club for the first time ,after the break up of my first marriage, with a bunch of friends from work and this just happened to be the song I danced to. It just seemed so liberating. I also like the No Doubt version.

7. If you are ever really, really, hopelessly depressed and need to break down and laugh at how pathetic you are the cure is: The Smiths "Louder Than Bombs" If you don't find yourself driving in a car at night with snow falling all around you while listening to track 15, OscillateWildly, there's something wrong with you.

8. More Eagle's Music I didn't like when it was in it's heyday, but love now:
*Take It Easy
*Lyin Eyes
*Desperado
*Hotel California

9. One of my favorite 80's songs: David Bowie's Modern Love

10. More Elton John faves:
*Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
*Your Song
*Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

11. Sister Golden Hair by America I never get tired of singing this one....

12. At Last by Etta James...I'll be damned if I'm gonna let the fact that this was our song at our wedding ruin it for me!

13. Things I was listening to while being completely, head over hills, tragically in love...
The Cure, Disintegration, The Cure, Mixed Up, especially Love Song, Lullaby, Pictures of You...as I said, it was tragic. The song that would sum up the whole of the relationship would be Jewel's Foolish Games

14. Recovering from said tragic love....
The The, Dusk (a very dark look at love), Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins,

15. Falling in lust....
Cake, Motorcade of Generosity....this man still has the power to make me belly laugh, he sent me a copy of track 8, Is This Love? when he found out I was dating someone new...Mazzy Star, Fade Into You. Radioheads, Creep.

16. Two Step by The Dave Matthews Band....ex husband (the one closely related to Satan) wooed me with this one. It always makes my heart beat faster.

17. Beautiful Girl by Poe....My godsend of a friend, Jenny, made me an Angry Women CD and I so needed to hear that song....made me cry a good long cry. BTW, Jenny, I lost that cd!!!! That idiot probably has it stashed in with his 200+ cd collection.

18. Speaking of cd collections, I only have a handfull. I treat cd's like poetry, I don't treasure it and sock it away unless it really speaks to me. Along with the CD's I have already mentioned, two of my all time favorites are Radiohead's The Bends and Sarah McLachlan's Fumbling Towards Ecstasy.

19. Another song I genuinely love to sing, Steve Miller's Take The Money and Run...You know, "This is a story bout Billy Jo and Bobby Sue...."

20. Sweet, Sweet Jane, Cowboy Junkies

21. Don't Dream It's Over, Crowded House "counting the steps to your heart"...swoon, swoon.

22. Fleetwood Mac faves:
*Dreams
*Sara
*Gold Dust Woman...."rulers make bad lovers, you better put your kingdom up for sale..."
*Go Your Own Way
*Landslide

I know there's more, but it's time for this chicklet to call it a night.

I wanna hear your faves!

Now I remember....

2004-09-10T23:55:00.000-07:00

I brought him flowers on our first date. I wrote him poem after poem. I told him all my secrets-how I was lost, hurt and scared...how my life, and well, me, were a mess. How after my divorce I felt as if I had failed my daughter by morphing into a self-absorbed accident waiting to happen and that I even sometimes resented being a mother. I was completely honest when I told him I truly felt as though I had lost the one I believed was my soul mate just two years before we met and that I didn't think I would ever love him or anyone else in that same way. I had filed bankruptcy, literally and emotionally. I was hollow.

He burnt me cd's of perfection. He baked me a cake. He told me I was beautiful. He told me of his adventures in France, in Africa and what it was like growing up in a commune in San Francisco. He told me had been waiting for me. He loved the way I felt, smelled and tasted. He put his hands on my then flat, taut belly and told me he wanted to feel the place our babies would grow. He whispered Goldilocks and the Three Bears in French to me. He told me I didn't belong here--that I needed to be surrounded by like-minded people. People who weren't afraid of being real...people who were creative and honest. He wanted to take me away and share the ocean, the mountains and the romance of his home in San Francisco. He designed a ring for me, we climbed a mountain together and at the top he asked me to be his wife.

We made love by candlelight and always with a soundtrack. We took my little girl to the zoo, on picnics, to the movies and camping together. He pushed her on the swings, read books to her and watched her favorite movies with her tirelessly. I could see that he would be an amazing father. We visited his mom at her home in Hawaii. She showed me his baby pictures. He gave me permission to stop being so hard on myself and to honor the mother that I was. He promised me that he would always love me, protect me and never hurt me.

We moved in together. We made fabulous meals together. Shared all our favorite music and movies with one another. He read favorite passages from cherished books and I read him journal entries and bad poetry. He tutored me in the art of Zen. We stayed up all hours of the night listening to music and drawing up the blueprint for our life together. Our dreams of our home, our family, our travels around the world. He held my hand while I took my first shaky steps in San Francisco. We married at the Palace of the Fine Arts and became a family. We made a beautiful baby together and a little sister for my first baby.

Some time not long after that, he fell apart and so with him did our world. I watched desperate and helpless as the man I loved deteriorated. I hardly recognize him now...I catch ever so brief glimpses but he's a mere shadow of who we once was. I did truly love him. It takes a lot of courage for me to admit that. I wish I could say I never did and that the whole of our six plus years together was just a big mistake. For a long time I felt like I had to believe that, to believe that perhaps I never really loved him in order to somehow make this all hurt less.

The saddest part is that I feel even more afraid to love than I did when we first met but at the same time I'm terrified of the prospect of being alone from here on out. What if I have already cashed in all my tokens, this is it, and I'm done? I am so rich in other areas of my life but I ache for a lover, a partner, a best friend. I'm told it gets easier. Seven months and counting....

What the fricative is going on here?

2004-08-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

See, I told you I was gonna use that word out of context. I swear it's my new F word...take out f*** and insert fricative. Love, love, love it!

This post is actually going somewhere, I promise. The girls don't start back to school until Sept 8th and in the meantime my ex-husband's (my first, the one I like) wife has generously offered to take care of J while I attend my classes. This is not something extraordinary for us...I often watch their almost two year old baby boy so they can squeeze in some alone time. In fact, I moved into their house for a weekend to play nanny while they jetted off to Vegas for their honeymoon. We share our kids birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, go trick-or-treating together, sit together at school functions, etc. It never occurs to us that this is strange and unusual behavior, not until someone points it out to us. J's teacher took me aside one day last year to tell me "how cool it is that you and K's dad get along so well. I wish my boyfriend and his ex had the same relationship. It would be so wonderful for their son."

When I arrived to pick up J this afternoon, Maureen had family visiting and it was the first time I was ever introduced to her sister's husband. He seemed really uncomfortable and didn't hide his raised brows and genuine surprise very well when I was introduced as the ex-wife. It's times like this that I realize how very fortunate we must be in the world of ugly divorces. It also makes me extremely sad and disappointed that my current marriage will not end with us parting as friends. The most I can hope for at this point is civility for the sake of our child. I can finally understand why my first husband, myself and our extended family are a minority. Divorce is never easy or pretty. There's a big difference between possessing the kind of love and respect for another person that fills you with hope and concern for their future happiness as well as your own vs. sharing a life with someone who has done nothing but humiliate you, invent new betrayals, and suck your soul dry. Trust me, the last thing I want to do is be pals. I just feel so sad for my J....my hurt comes from knowing that I won't be able to give her the same childhood her sister had. One that doesn't erase the fact that her parents are divorced, but embraces all that was good about her mommy and daddy together, one where she can see her parents laughing and crying together, sharing her triumphs, her mistakes, her growing up. For that, I truly hate him. He failed me, and that I can live with but I just don't know that I can ever forgive him for failing our daughter.

2004-08-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

Adversity is like a strong wind. I don't mean just that it holds us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be.- Arthur Golden from Memoirs Of A Geisha

Even the yellow brick road has a dead end

2004-08-27T17:27:00.000-07:00

So said my ever serious K with her four year old furrowed brow.... I remember laughing so hard at that and then being so sad at the same time. To realize that she might be so full of pessimism, such disillusionment at such a young age broke my heart. She served up this pearl of wisdom to me while I was grieving over the break up of whom I was sure was the love of my life, my soul mate. Could she have really known at four years old that it's really about the journey and not the destination? More importantly, can I, at 36, make myself believe that it's the truth?

PENIS!

2004-08-26T21:02:00.000-07:00

As a 36 year old college sophomore, here's some things I know. You are all but invisible to *boys*, which I'm 99.9% sure is a good thing. There's just that teeny percent of me that wishes I were the stuff of some college boys older woman fantasy, but alas, as my older daughter so eloquently put it a few years back, I look like a mom. I am pitied by the girls with their perky breasts, pierced belly buttons and tatooed lower backs and can hear their silent vows that they will never be me. And college professors give you that, "good for you for deciding to join us, it's never too late to make something of your life" look every time they make eye contact with you.

With the approach of the first weeks end, I'm feeling fairly confident that I will walk away from Biology, Shakespeare, Literary Study and Critical Thinking with decent grades. Although, there have been lots of times this past week where I have felt at a disadvantage to the newly high school graduates....things have gotten a bit rusty after 15 years and the cobwebs are many. For instance, when discussing onomatopoeia and labiodental fricatives, uh, nothing coming to me. I do think I like that word fricative a little too much....can see that I will be using that way out of context. The week wasn't a total waste though. I give you Shakespeare's sonnet #20:

A woman's face with Nature's own hand painted
Hast thou, the master mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart but not aquainted
With shifting change as is false women's fashion
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue all hues in his controlling,
Which steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created,
Till Nature as she wrought thee fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,
Mine be thy love, and thy love's use their treasure.

The question posed by the professor, "So, what does Shakespeare mean when he says "By adding one thing to my purpose nothing" ?

I will forever be remembered as the old lady in the class who blurted out the correct answer of, Penis!

2004-08-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before... to test your limits... to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

Life Is Good

2004-08-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

You know those moments where you experience true happiness, a sense of well being, of all being right with your world? Well, I can honestly say that up until the last few months, I had only imagined brief glimpses of that over the past six years. Now it is with genuine surprise and giddiness that I find myself embracing the life I am creating for myself and my daughters.

I am so fortunate that I'm not even sure where to begin.... First and foremost, I would not have made it here if it weren't for the love, support, inspiration, tenderness, kindness, humor, encouragement, and optimism of my friends. It was a tough journey and I'm so lucky not to have had to travel alone. My Kaleigh, at the wise old age of three once said, "Mom, just have girlfriends, they are easier than boys." Girlfriends, I adore you all!

My girls are so funny, smart, sensitive, creative, and beautiful. I love our family. I love that we eat dinner every night together, that we are silly and laugh together, we host dinners for our family and friends, we make plans for fun vacations and the upcoming holidays, we bake together....I love that we took all the great things about our family with us and left all that was unhappy behind.

Now that the summer is winding down, I am feeling nostalgic for all that has happened over the past six months. The girls and I moving into our own little house and making it our home, K performing with a summer theatre group, J taking art classes through the local children's museum, K and I traveling to Maryland for her school trip, outings to the zoo, taking a vacation to Florida, going camping and hiking together, making some new friends and spending time with them, lazy days at the pool, walking to the park, watching lots of movies, eating tons of icecream, and me....

Me, finally realizing my fears and facing them with as much courage as I can muster. I was admittedly afraid to take on the role of a single mom. Afraid of what divorce would mean to our family in a financial sense. Afraid that I would have to give up my role as full-time mother and be less available to my children. Afraid that my girls would grow up and live lives of their own, and I would be left behind, all alone. Afraid that being a twice divorced, single mother of two would make me very unattractive to the opposite sex. And sadly, afraid that I would have little self-worth standing on my own. I face these fears one at a time, visualizing them as hurdles to jump over.

Once I realized that I was playing the role of single mother throughout my marriage due in part to my husbands demanding career as a physician, that I had been running the household, managing the finances, the upkeep of the cars, doing the shopping, organizing the girl's birthday celebrations, planning for the holidays, preparing the meals, helping with homework, reading the bedtime stories, and taking care of sick babies, I thought, "Hey, not only can I do this, I'm pretty good at it too!"

In fact, my new role as single mom affords me alone time that I never had the luxury of before. When the girls spend every other weekend with their dad, I have glorious uninterrupted time to read a novel, watch a movie other than Finding Nemo, talk with a friend on the phone, cruise the internet, eat when and if I feel like it, paint my nails, etc. It's true that things have changed on the financial scene, but we are certainly living comfortably with careful budgeting and in part due to the courts dictating that a certain percentage of my husband's generous salary be allocated for child support. In addition, my husband has stood by his commitment to finance my education making it possible for me to study while the girls are in school and maintain my availability to them when they are not.

I realize that once the intimacy and trust were lost between my husband and I, that I fell out of love with him long before I was willing to relinquish the fantasy of our shared life together. The hopes and dreams that we had for our family, the life we shared with our children, was so precious to me. Part of my definition of what it means to be a good parent is to provide a stable and loving environment for my children to grow up in. A home filled with laughter, love, support and encouragement, and a mommy *and* a daddy...together.

I was a child of divorce and later a stepfamily and as these experiences were not positive ones for me, I fiercely wanted to protect my own children from a similar situation. For a long time I told myself that I could handle the unhappiness, uncertainty, and disappointment that came with a dysfunctional relationship if it meant keeping our family together. It wasn't until I asked myself how I would react if one of my daughters were involved in a similar relationship that I found the courage to stand up for myself. I hope that through my example my daughters will accept no less than the love and respect they deserve from a partner and realize that giving that up is to big a price to pay for something else gained.

At age 36, I am returning to school after a 15 year hiatus to have children and support someone else's ambitions. I have always been afraid of failure and masked those fears with indifference. I was telling myself and others that I didn't have any passion outside of parenting and homemaking. It is true that I do love my role as a mother and enjoy making a home for our family. I consider it the most rewarding and important contribution I can make but now when faced with little choice, I am surprised to find that I am a multifaceted person and embracing my hopes and dreams doesn't mean I'm abandoning my children.

Although I was a good student, my parents never encouraged me to explore my talents or to use my creative energy. They were both very unhappy, pessimistic people and through my upbringing, set me up to expect little from my world except disappointment and disillusionment. The self-destructive beliefs I have held for so long were impressed upon me long ago. It is through my children's eyes that I am able to see the world in a different light. They truly motivate me to change my attitude and be a better person.

I continue to cherish my daughters as the joy of my life and celebrate them as such. The relationship I share with each of them continues to be my number one priority. That being said, I have set several goals for myself in order to be the best parent I can be. I am working at forgiving myself for my failed marriage and in the process building up my self-esteem in order to pursue my education, a successful career, maintain close friendships and eventually, someday, allow myself to be vulnerable to a new love.

Funeral Etiquette Do's & Don'ts

2004-08-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

Please don't think I have a particularly sick sense of humor....it's just that I'm watching back to back episodes of Six Feet Under and this made me LOL.

Don't attend funerals of people you don't know.
Don't try to outdo the family's grief.
Don't use the occasion to "schmooze".
Don't videotape the service.
Don't ask for "just a peek-a-doodle" if it is a closed casket.
Don't rate the funeral with a 1-10 rating scale in front of the family.
Don't race the hearse to the cemetery.
Do offer your help, but don't charge for it.
Don't make statements like "something seems fishy to me" or "I hope they did an autopsy."
Don't remark that the deceased looks "way better than they ever did"
Don't sit in the front row of the church and lean over the seat to wave at everyone you know coming in.
Do realize that the grieving family probably knows the deceased more than you do: especially if it is your neighbour or your friend's aunt.
Don't approach the widow/widower and ask for the fifty dollars the deceased owed you.
Don't make an offer to the widow/widower on the deceased clothes.
Don't try to make the grieving family feel better by handing them a typewritten list of the deceased's faults.
Don't climb on headstones to get a better view.
Don't do impressions of the deceased.
Don't ask about the "eats" the minute you arrive at the funeral home.
Don't use the word "rooked" if a discussion of funeral expenses arises.
Don't ask the widow/widower on a date at the funeral home.
Don't tell everyone how much your flower arrangement cost and offer to show them the bill if they don't believe you.
Don't remove anything from the coffin as a memento.
Don't tell the grieving family "it could be worse" and then go into a long rambling story about the passing of your little dog Blue.
Don't tell the relatives that this is the smallest funeral you've ever seen.
Don't use a fake name like "I.P. Nightly" in the guestbook.
Don't offer to make a beer-run.

For more priceless advice, visit: www. happywomanmagazine.com

My Mantra....I don't look good in an orange jumpsuit...I don't look good in an orange jumpsuit...

2004-08-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

An on going joke between my oldest daughter and I throughout the sham of what was my marriage was that "I don't look good in an orange jumpsuit".... prison is not the place for me. So explains the title of my aspiring filmmakers digital movie, inspired by my very good friend and talented beyond words director, Jenny. My daughters film eloquently follows the life and times of what was the relationship between my ex husband and I. Beginning with our arrival in San Francisco, filled with her recount of actual word for word dialogue, a startling resemblance to said ex husband, and finishing with the here and now and her own concerns surrounding the hell that is puberty. I ask you, is she not the up and coming director of our times?

http://mm.dfilm.com/mm2s/mm_route.php?id=1931020

Mama loves Jordan, Jordan loves Mama

2004-08-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

Truly the most gut wrenching thing about *finally* going through with this divorce is having to be separated from my baby for stretches of time. She's with her dad every other weekend and while I should be basking in my just for me time, I'm more often than not counting the hours til she will be back home.

Bedtime is hard. I miss our silly little rituals, bathtime when afterwards I wrap my little one in a fluffy, warm towel fresh from the dryer. We jump into our pj's and snuggle in my bed with a few books to read aloud. Once the lights are out we have a whole series of kisses to exchange, butterfly kiss, nose kiss, elbow kiss, hair kiss (J thought this one up where she touches a piece of her hair to mine) and we always finish with me whispering, "Mama loves Jordan" and J will wait a minute and whisper back, "Jordan loves Mama".